A Fish Out of Water

This afternoon the kids and I went downstairs to give a little face time to the women in our building and to get some fresh air. As soon as I sat down, one of the daughters-in-law who's close to my age asked me if I'd like to go with her and her kids to visit the 'swings' in town. To be clear, these aren't park swings. They're part of a rickety fairground that appears in the fall and remains until the weather gets too cold. I figured it would be a good time for the kids and a chance to build on my relationship with this particularly gentle and sweet woman.

While we were there two little beggar boys came up to me. As usual they saw my white face and thought I'd be good for a few rupees. My Indian friend warned me, "Don't give them anything. You really shouldn't." Now, if she hadn't been standing there I might have caved and slipped them some cash. The truth is, that's looked down-upon here and isn't considered helpful for anyone. (Actually, it's against the law to give to beggars since begging is illegal). But the real kicker was that I'd just seen both boys eating ice cream, and one of them had cotton candy in his hand! He didn't think I could speak Hindi and he kept telling me he needed food.

The ride operator who was standing by started to laugh when I answered the kid in Hindi. "Now listen, sweetie...I just saw you eating ice-cream and what's that in your hand right now, huh? I don't have food for you and you shouldn't ask me. You already ate. Now go." I was gentle but firm. The ride operator asked my friend, "She speaks Hindi?" The little boy seemed to sense that I wouldn't kick or shove him away the way someone who was born here would, so he stood very close to me--almost snuggling up and kept asking with a twinkle in his eye...He touched my arm and stuck out his bottom lip in a mock pout. I laid my hand on his shoulder and he felt so small, like one of my own kids.

I kept refusing and he followed us, asking our kids for money as well, as by this time it had turned into a game for him. Finally he left, still smiling and clearly not hungry. But the truth is I wanted to hug him and ask him his name, and make life better for him. People were staring at me and I hate that. I feel like a fish out of water here every single day of my life. Sometimes it's more pronounced than at other times but it's always there. This knowledge that I don't belong never goes away...