We were positively exhausted today. I didn't fall asleep until 3:00 a.m. this morning, probably because we've had so much emotional craziness in our home lately and because J is gone again. So when Dolly came by today to speak Hindi with me (after several days of no contact and no real Hindi speaking on my part) I was inwardly reluctant.
I am woefully performance-oriented. What can I say? I'm a born and bred classical musician. It's in my nature--and I believe--in my very genes. So speaking Hindi for me is not only about communication. It's about how well I speak, what invisible grade I receive. Or give myself, more like...
Today, when I spoke with Dolly, my Hindi stank. I was tongue-tied, choppy, laborious, goofy, frustrated. I got a D. But what struck me after it was over was that I had 'sown seeds' with her without thinking about it. I had shared my faith, bits of it anyway. She had encouraged me and I had been vulnerable with her. It was good. So why did I feel so inadequate? Like I had somehow failed?
Because I'm focused on myself and on my performance. That is not what God focuses on, nor should I. His strength is made perfect in weakness, I was reminded today. And I should rejoice in that rather lamenting my frailty and lack of ability. It's His story after all.
I should say that I am not there yet. I was discomfited, restless, and crabby after my talk with Dolly. And vaguely gloomy. I couldn't put my finger exactly on why, but I knew it had to do with my Hindi skills. So I just asked the Lord to help me let it go, this striving for perfection, this constant self-censure.
And today, for a little while, He did. I got over it and was ok. Here's to learning my lesson again tomorrow.
Amazing!!! The Lord is teaching me the exact same thing! I'm a perfectionist at heart therefore all-too-often, inadequacy is my friend. It's a reality I am working to refine!
ReplyDeleteBlessings~
Mendi
I can't relate at all....
ReplyDeleteJust kidding. This was a good post.
the balance between "trusting in myself" and "letting Him do it all" is what our discussion was on this morning in our study of Philippians.
ReplyDelete"Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." 3:13-14.
Along with Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
We prayed for you during this time and we continue to lift you before the throne.
Love, Aileen
You know yourself so well. LOL
ReplyDeleteYou do SO WELL with Hindi. In a Hindi fight, you would beat me. You know all those kay's and koes and sey's like the back of your hand. When I was in my test this morning, I was like "WWHS"? Love ya,glad we are in it together
ReplyDeleteI can remember times that I stunk it up as a musician. THAT I made the effort to practice was sometimes more beneficial than the actual practice time itself. I suspect that work for Him is no different.
ReplyDeleteYour posts are so often little devotionals for me.
ReplyDelete